I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button today. Any time i watch a film i find myself ruminating about how i can apply the messages perpetuated in the film can apply to my own. The biggest motif was about about time and living. Time: youth is fleeting; aging is a second. Living: what we make of both those time frames of life. The whole time i could not stop thinking of "K"( from now on he will be referred to as "K" because i am obviously esoterically passive). I really miss him. Plain as that. Sometimes i feel that i made the right decision, but other times i feel weak like i could possible shake the firmness in my bones at any time. I could be flimsy, if i breathe in the truth. So many lines really got to me throughout the movie. I have been really finding art that captures the human experience so fascinating. What if life is all about recreating that moment that we respond? something that transfixes us into some stationary position of beautiful awe? I have been thinking about writing again. I would love to capture some sentiment of life and enlarge and make someone feel something. I think that would be the best gift. I mean, i cry over everything that tugs at my heartstrings. if i could do that....man that would be great.

anyway, after the movie i needed to take a shower. I could feel myself wanting to step away to just cry it out and live in my feelings. I didn't want to creep out my friend. Sometimes crying freaks people out. i can really relate to people who aren't afraid of their emotions. I always feel that my heart is open and receptive to any possibility. I kept the lights off while i showered. I saw a light on from the only window in the bathroom. And the water was too hot, yet i still sat in it. i could barely make out the bathroom products to know what i was using exactly. It was still nice to cry it out. It made me feel better. Living in the very confusing makes me want to produce art, and just write. I miss creating again. I have been feeling utterly senseless and insecure that i have yet to actually do it. I need to just write. writers write. that logic alone is brilliant.

I am quite tired. maybe i will write in my dreams. this blog thing actually made me feel great. i hope i stick with it. night.