Christmas Eve!

Today is Christmas Eve. My sister is counting down by the hour of how long it will be until we get to open presents. Her enthusiasm use to be me when i was younger, so i can relate to her impatience. Since i am determined to start this year as vegan, there isn't much to eat at my house. They religious get anti-vegan products or cook with items that do not support this new lifestyle, but i make do. At the end of the month i am moving to Long Beach, so at that point i will have to buy my own food which will be really difficult, but i think it is time for me to grow up. I just have to survive one last semester until i transfer. I seriously can't wait until i get my acceptances. Life feels like it is at a standstill because i can't necessarily start something life changing until i know where i will be headed in the future. I guess this is what being a senior in high school felt like. haha. 

In other news i read After Dark by Haruki Murakami. He is swiftly becoming one of my favorite writers. I love the simplicity, yet magically moments. It is all very subtle and internal. I also like the technique of the camera. 

It made me want to write again. I actually have a story in mind, but i'm scared to write it. I always seem to feel scared before i write something and i get super anxious about it until i finally just face it head-on. Writers just write. it is really that simple, yet i somehow find justification to avoid it making this whole process more complicated then it really has to be. 

I hope i do get what i asked for. I tried to make it really simple, and something that i would actually use.

The list:

-A pot to grow i plant in

-A blanket for when i move into my new place( plus, new Mexican blankets are so overwhelmingly amazing when they are new!)

-Incense box with candle sticks included ( I asked for lavender scents specifically because it helps you sleep, which is great because i have a mild case of insomnia sometimes)

-Generic candles. 

All are pretty cheap, and simple. I didn't want to ask for clothes or trendy things because fuck that! if being a consumer is inevitable might as well add sentimental value to things! 

Oh!

And my friend Ivonne gave me some really great gifts that were so thoughtful that it almost made me tear up. 

I love our friendship. She really made me feel blessed in that second. Sometimes i can be such a whino and think that no one cares. But i think i have been giving off a compassionate vibe, so it just makes me feel like someone cares back! yay! 

fuck unrequited love and friendships. 

on other news i still miss "k" and i am literally doing everything in my will power not to text him. Apart of me kinda hopes he will text, but in the long run what good will that accomplish. My mind has not changed. My heart just has grown gentle. But this year, i really want to pay attention to myself, and i hate the term "be more selfish" because that limits the how much i do want still care for people, just put more emphasis on myself. 

Another thing that has me thinking as i enter this new journey/adventure we are never truly ready for a boyfriend. there is really no right time. Yet, i still feel convicted in my decision to chase the world because if i don't do it now when will i? if i can't do this solo and always require the encroaching help of someone else, how will i grow as a person? i must be strong, and i want to be known for my character and sense of independence versus subservience and fallabiltiy. 

New Year

2013 was a big year. It was heartbreak. It was magic. It was tragic. Also, a year for bad rhymes. Other than that it was a year of growth. It was transformative and when I actually had passion. It was the year passion was taken away. it was the year of honesty. it was also the year of making adult decisions when you do not want to. it was the year of the great sigh. It was the year of relief.

In 2013 i thought i would it was going to be the last year at Cerritos. I had applied to five UC's and i ended up declining all my offers to stay, and start this organization. I really had an awakening that year and it felt really good. I was giving speeches. I was inspiring. I was inspired. However, that year i made a big mistake. I got involved with someone who was someone i really liked at first, but unfortunately it didn't work out, and i had to give up so much. Basically, i went through a small bout of depression because i had given up so much of my goals for a guy. This alone has made me rethink so many things about myself. I think there is a certain nature within me that seeks to be in a relationship. that seeks validation from a loved one. i think that had to do with my relationship with my mother. 

Although i may have failed with many of my goals. i think i have decided to not live in the negative but actually do something about it. Less talk. just do!

That is why this up and coming year, will be about a new change, something that i am deliberately focusing on.

1.) Always be passionate. I love my spirit, and it something i am never going to let anyone take away. I am lively, and i have a zest for life that i believe is uncommon.

2.) Stay single. I want to enjoy my independence for at least a year. I want to be single and just live in that for a while.

3.) learn to be organized. Start using a planner. Make sure you can do something if you are going to do it.

4.) stay true to your word. Always do something you say you would, even if one may appear boring and you may not feel like it. if you said you would do it--then do it.

5.) i will be vegan. just do it man! cut the cyring. it's all hard. stop bitching.

6.) write more. I need to produce more poetry and short stores. I also have been getting into song writing. 

I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button today. Any time i watch a film i find myself ruminating about how i can apply the messages perpetuated in the film can apply to my own. The biggest motif was about about time and living. Time: youth is fleeting; aging is a second. Living: what we make of both those time frames of life. The whole time i could not stop thinking of "K"( from now on he will be referred to as "K" because i am obviously esoterically passive). I really miss him. Plain as that. Sometimes i feel that i made the right decision, but other times i feel weak like i could possible shake the firmness in my bones at any time. I could be flimsy, if i breathe in the truth. So many lines really got to me throughout the movie. I have been really finding art that captures the human experience so fascinating. What if life is all about recreating that moment that we respond? something that transfixes us into some stationary position of beautiful awe? I have been thinking about writing again. I would love to capture some sentiment of life and enlarge and make someone feel something. I think that would be the best gift. I mean, i cry over everything that tugs at my heartstrings. if i could do that....man that would be great.

anyway, after the movie i needed to take a shower. I could feel myself wanting to step away to just cry it out and live in my feelings. I didn't want to creep out my friend. Sometimes crying freaks people out. i can really relate to people who aren't afraid of their emotions. I always feel that my heart is open and receptive to any possibility. I kept the lights off while i showered. I saw a light on from the only window in the bathroom. And the water was too hot, yet i still sat in it. i could barely make out the bathroom products to know what i was using exactly. It was still nice to cry it out. It made me feel better. Living in the very confusing makes me want to produce art, and just write. I miss creating again. I have been feeling utterly senseless and insecure that i have yet to actually do it. I need to just write. writers write. that logic alone is brilliant.

I am quite tired. maybe i will write in my dreams. this blog thing actually made me feel great. i hope i stick with it. night.